Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
You need a sexual gate keeper
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
