So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
