Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I touched a dick in church today
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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