just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
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