I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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