my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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