If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
