I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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