your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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