I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
