drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
