Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
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