One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
