K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
