Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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