I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
