Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Randomize
