This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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