Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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