Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
