my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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