she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
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