How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I'm like, not good at living.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
