i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
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It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
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someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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