just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
