My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
