There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
