mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
