I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
