Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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