is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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