you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
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