peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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