my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
