she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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