We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
