Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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