Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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