I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
