I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
