Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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