I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
