he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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