I met the friendliest cop last night
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
