Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
