Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
