Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
