i love accidental penises.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
