my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Randomize
