He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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