what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
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