I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
did i just pee glitter
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