There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
