why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
