My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
