I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
