I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
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