mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
