but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
